Hey Reader,

With Thanksgiving Day tomorrow for those of us in the United States, I thought it would be a good time to bring back the Consent/Closeness Matrix, which I first shared about a year ago.

Designed by my colleague Catherine Quiring, the Consent/Closeness Matrix is a tool for helping us understand the stories we carry within us and their origins.

(If you can't see the image above, you can view it here.)

As you look at the matrix, you’ll notice two axes:

• Low consent - high consent (along the X axis)
• High warmth - high distance (along the Y axis)

These axes, when placed together, contextualize four different quadrants:

1. Paternalism,
2. Authoritarianism,
3. Radical acceptance, and
4. Radical autonomy.

I like to think of these as different contexts or energies from which stories emerge.

Here are some examples:

Paternalistic Narratives (low consent, high warmth):

• “I know what’s best for you – now, here are six ways (you didn’t ask for) you can be better.”
• “We know what’s best for them – they should do this, this, and this. We can show them how.”
• Children’s Book Example: The Booklets’ baking boo-boo: A story about obeying by Ken Gire

Authoritarian Narratives (low consent, high distance):

• “Do this or I will question your goodness/worthiness.”
• “Good people do this, like us. Bad people do that, like them.”
• Children’s Book Example: Pig Will and Pig Won’t by Richard Scarry

Radical Acceptance Narratives (high consent, high warmth):

• “Try it out – I’ll be right here if you need support.”
• “We work together to make sure everyone can love who they love and be who they are.”
• Children’s Book Example: Lynx: Trust Yourself by Callie Christensen and Kelly Oriard

Radical Autonomy Narratives (high consent, high distance):

• “You do you!”
• “We all have the ability and capacity to make choices for ourselves.”
• Kid’s Book Example: Welcome to Consent by Yumi Stynes & Dr. Melissa Kang

Obviously there are a ton of complexities and nuances within this matrix, but here’s a basic practice for you this week:

Take some time and reflect on the stories of Thanksgiving you were handed.

These might include historical narratives you were taught, traditions you were modeled, or the energy and posture people in your life carried (and continue to carry) during this holiday.

Then, identify where on the Consent/Closeness Matrix these stories might be placed if you were to sit down and map them into the quadrants.

• Which elements of your Thanksgiving stories come from a paternalistic or authoritarian space?
• Which elements hold an energy of solidarity (radical acceptance) or healthy boundaries and individual dignity (radical autonomy)?

To watch Catherine do a deeper walkthrough of this tool, check out her video here.​

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❓ Questions

1. From which quadrant did your stories and traditions of Thanksgiving primarily originate? Who was involved in the teaching of these to you?
2. How has your understanding of Thanksgiving changed over the course of your life? What would that change look like if it were shown on the matrix using arrows?

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🧰 Resources

• ​The Serviceberry: Abundance and Reciprocity in the Natural World by Robin Wall Kimmerer (book)
• ​Keepunumuk: Weeâchumun's Thanksgiving Story by Danielle Greendeer, Anthony Perry, and Alexis Bunten (children's book)
• ​Learn more about Catherine Quiring (website)

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⏪ Another article you might like:

Hope all is well-enough with you,

Andrew IG: @andrewglang​

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