As many of us in the United States travel to see family in the next couple days (both chosen and related), I’ve found myself thinking about stories of upbringing. Or more specifically: the stories we're told during childhood that teach us who we are, who others around us are, how we might relate to the Universe, and who ultimately belong in “our group” and who don’t. The stories that, in one way or another, tend to shape our initial posture toward the world. A colleague of mine, Catherine Quiring, developed a tool for helping us understand our narratives and their origins – it's called the Consent/Closeness Matrix: As you look at the matrix, you’ll notice two axes:
These axes, when placed together, contextualize four different quadrants: paternalism, authoritarianism, radical acceptance, and radical autonomy. I like to think of these as different contexts or energies from which stories come out of. Here are some examples: Paternalistic Narratives (low consent, high warmth):
Authoritarian Narratives (low consent, low warmth):
Radical Acceptance Narratives (high consent, high warmth):
Radical Autonomy Narratives (high consent, high distance):
Obviously there are a ton of complexities and nuances within this matrix, but here’s a basic practice for you this week:Take some time and reflect on your upbringing. Think about your experience of how these quadrants shaped the stories and teachings you were offered. For each of the guiding questions below, try reflecting on the stories and teachings offered to you by 1) your family and individual family members and 2) communities you were a part of and specific community members. Then, imagine where those stories would be placed if you were to put them on the matrix. From which quadrant did you receive your foundational stories about…
To watch Catherine do a deeper walkthrough of this tool, check out her video here. Questions
Resources
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Inner work frameworks, practices, and questions – all in a five-minute read. Delivered to your inbox every Wednesday morning before you even wake up. Written and curated by Andrew Lang.
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