Hey Reader,

A few weeks ago I was speaking with a friend who had grown up in a small, fundamentalist Christian community on the eastern half of the United States.

In his late 20s, after spending his entire life up to that point in the same church, he had a realization that the beliefs and stories he was surrounded with didn’t really connect with his own evolving perspectives and passions. He witnessed his friends and family falling in line with Trump’s MAGA movement, his church obsessing over restricting women’s access to abortion services, and his social circle becoming increasingly antagonistic to what he saw as “normal, everyday people.”

At the same time, he was feeling more and more at-home in online activist spaces and was even beginning to list himself as “liberal” on his dating app profile. (He was terrified someone he knew would see this.)

As he tried to maintain his relationships and public identity while quietly fostering this new more-private one, he felt disoriented and confused.

He told me:

And so, in order to gain more clarity and become more confident in making decisions that felt “him,” he began to journal and engage with a practice known as the “5 Whys.”

Here’s what this looked like:

1. Whenever he had a choice to make, he would ask himself “Why is this important to me?”
2. Then, whatever his answer was, he would ask again: “Why is that important to me?” This would help him go deeper with his response.
3. He would do this a total of five times, each time trying to go deeper and lean into the person he felt himself becoming as he considered his response.
4. At the end, he would look at his final answer and ask: “Is this me?” And if it felt good to him, he would move forward with the choice or decision that aligned most with his response.

After years of experiencing this tension, my friend became more public with his questions and emerging beliefs, eventually leading to him leaving his church and community altogether. He shared that this practice (along with beginning therapy) was a core part of him having the confidence he needed to do so.

Since leaving, he still navigates the relational stress and conflict this choice opened up, especially within his family, almost daily, but he shared that he’s happier now than he had been for years before the decision.

If you’re at a crossroads or have a decision to make, big or small, consider trying this practice and seeing what comes up for you.

❓ Questions

1. What is a decision you need to make that the “5 Whys” practice might support you with?
2. What does the tension between “what is expected of you” and who you feel yourself becoming feel like in your body?

🧰 Resources

• ​Wild and Waste by Sarah Southern (an amazing Substack)
• “Tradecraft” by James A. Pearson (poem)
• ​Crossroads Mini-Retreat (1:1 session with me)

📅 Upcoming September Events

September 5th: Sweatshirt Session

With the election gearing up, and all the anxiety, stress, and energy coming with it, this 90-minute “sweatshirt session” is all about grounding ourselves in practices of self-connection and staying soft, yet fierce, in the midst of it. I hope you’ll consider joining us.​

September 16th, 23rd, 30th: Get-Out-the-Vote Letter Writing Parties

Want to do something that can make an impact on our upcoming presidential election? I'm organizing a group of folks to write letters to swing-state voters encouraging them to vote in November. If you're interested, just hit "reply" and I'll send you all the info on how this works and the Zoom link.

Date TBD: Fireside Chat with James A. Pearson

In-Person: If you live in the Seattle-Tacoma area, come on by Grit City Books in Tacoma for a conversation with poet and friend-of-the-W123, James A. Pearson. I'll be playing "host" and James will be reading from his book "The Wilderness That Bears Your Name." This event will be on a weekend, but hasn't been confirmed yet. Keep an eye out for an update next week!

Hope all is well-enough with you,

Andrew IG: @andrewglang​